Question from the chat of Yuri Burlan's free online training "Systemic Vector Psychology":
[Elena - Chelyabinsk]: I do not want to communicate with people, relationships strain me, especially if I have an internal rejection of a person, I absolutely do not want and cannot work for wage labor. I can’t be in a herd, be more comfortable alone. I can’t stand injustice, arrogance, a huge feeling of anger immediately flares up and a desire to take revenge, to fight back.
Answer:
A person receives the greatest pleasure and the strongest suffering when interacting with other people. Reluctance to build relationships can arise in case of sound shortages. A person with a sound vector, born as an absolute introvert, under favorable conditions, develops into his opposite - the one who is focused on the outside world, meanings, on the psyche of another person. His natural task is to reveal the idea, to reveal the general psyche.
If the sound vector has been traumatized by screams, rude words and humiliation, the outside world is perceived as hostile, and the person remains immersed in himself. Other people cause hostility, seem empty and uninteresting.
Realizing his exclusivity, the sound engineer is increasingly striving to isolate himself from society. And here he falls into a trap - if it is impossible to fill his natural desire to comprehend the meaning and focus on other people, there is an ever deeper immersion in himself. This brings great suffering, because it is impossible to find answers within.
Only realizing that the meaning is always outside, in other people, it becomes possible to understand oneself, one's destiny. The highest manifestation of the realization of the sound vector is such a level of concentration on the psyche of the other, at which there is a complete awareness of the other in oneself and a feeling of the unity of the species. This is the great responsibility of sound engineers to society, because it is through the creation of this kind of spiritual connection that it becomes possible to exclude natural hostility between people, which is no longer restrained by either law or culture.
Training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan helps to realize the true desires of a person and direct them to the right path to realize natural properties.
Justice is the value of the anal vector. This is the perception of reality through such concepts as "honestly", "equally". At the heart of the desire to take revenge, to give change lies precisely the natural desire to equalize. For an anal person, everything should be smooth. Any bias in one direction or another is a negative factor. This is due to the fact that the natural task of the representative of the anal vector - the transfer of knowledge and experience to the next generations, requires maximum correctness and accuracy.
A person with an anal vector by nature has such qualities as honesty, straightforwardness, and reliability. But perceiving other people through himself, he expects manifestations of these qualities from those around him. In reality, people have completely different properties, which are due to the presence of certain vectors in the composition of the psyche. So, for example, what seems impudent to a person with an anal vector is actually a natural manifestation of such qualities of the skin vector as ambition and the desire for profit. And only the skill of systemic thinking allows you to see another person not through the prism of your own perception, but to realize his true nature.
“... Before the training, I came to the conclusion that I stopped communicating with everyone. Didn't answer the phone, didn't answer messages. I was sick of people, this is not a metaphor, real bouts of nausea. I didn’t have the slightest strength to listen to their complaints about life, not the slightest desire to talk to them, I didn’t want to see or hear anyone, I wanted everyone to leave me alone ...
Now I am enjoying just walking down the street, just watching this autumn. I started to enjoy watching people. And (drum roll!) No more hatred and irritation towards people! .. "
Anna R., Belgorod.
Is there anything to be upset about?
It all depends on several factors:
- Whether you knew each other or you are just attacking a social media star in order to gain friendship with this person - in this case, this can be regarded as harassment.
Let's immediately note this point, because otherwise the situation can hardly be called sound.
You were familiar, and fate parted you on opposite sides of the barricades, but none of you did anything bad to each other. He is still drawn to a person, but, alas, he is not to you.
You were familiar and someone did something nasty to someone.
In any case, there is no need to make a tragedy out of this. One thing always helps - to understand that a person does not need you. Not needed and that's it. So why go deep into suffering and try, as you say, to distract yourself from thoughts about this person? If he doesn't need you, then why should you need him?
Most people cannot come to terms with the loss of a friend and go over all the memories associated with him in their heads. And for some reason, these are always extremely positive memories, accompanied by exclamations:
Oh, how would I be without him / her!
How can I miss him/her so much?
Not so long ago, exactly the same event happened in my life: a person simply stopped communicating with me, he didn’t want to. And they opened my eyes after some time, advising me to remember not the good that we had, but the bad that this person did to me. And you know, immediately some kind of disgust appeared for the situation as a whole, that all experiences instantly disappeared.
Of course, relationships between people do not always develop in such a way that something bad is present in them. In this case, we return to the beginning again - the person has lost interest in you. And I will not say now the words from the program "Understand. Forgive": "Maybe the problem is with you?"
The problem is not with you if the person did not justify his departure., and if you nevertheless substantiated, then nothing prevents you from changing your attitude towards the people around you.
It is worth making new acquaintances that will become much more interesting and useful than those with which you had to part, because not everything in this world lasts forever.
And you once lived without this person quite well for yourself, right?
You will be surprised at the answer, but in order to stop being upset, you need to defeat your selfishness. After all, you would not want anyone to bother you - respect yourself in this example and transfer this respect to your loved one. Do not suffer and do not suffer. In the end, each person finds someone who does not bother him and who does not bother him. And of course, you can change yourself within reason - if you yourself define some of your qualities as "in need of correction" :)
Good luck to you.
The move helped me. A relocation and new acquaintances.
And so I killed one person at a time for 3 years. God bless 3 years, you can go crazy.
Neither books nor music helped me.
I just completely changed my social circle, and yes, my worldview has also changed a little.
Of course, I still remember her and everything connected with her. But, alas, the past cannot be returned.
It only needs to be ill, but in practice such a "disease" is very difficult to proceed.
Is it possible to ask a person directly what does not suit him? why did he decide that he was no longer interested in communicating with you, did not need to?
If you are ready and want, you can promise the person that you will change, you will not do what made him decide to cut off communication. And there it is already up to him - he will give you such a chance or not)
In any case, try to let the person go. Remember how you lived without him, what did you do, with whom did you communicate? Understand for yourself that life on this person did not converge in a wedge. And most importantly, turn on your pride. You are good and interesting. And he doesn't want to talk. Maybe the reason lies in the fact that he does not appreciate it. Find someone who will appreciate you.
Actually I'm not the author of the post, but I had a similar situation. And here is how it resolved after a while. At first I tried to publish the printed text, but the site did not allow me to copy it normally, so I had to post it in pictures.
Do you think you can let him know how much he means to you? Because it needs to be talked about. At least once try to say. If there is no feedback, well, you did your best. But a person should not guess, he should know about it. And preferably directly from you. You know, I now have one similar relationship in my life. That is, for some time the person and I communicated very well, but then (I sincerely don’t even know why this happened) the communication came to naught quite abruptly, and now we are just silent at each other. Moreover, the person is really dear to me, and further down the list, but since a similar situation is periodically repeated and the initiator of the conversation and communication in general is usually me, I had to make a difficult decision - to let go of this situation and stop being imposed. Although, as it seemed to me before, everything was basically mutual. But, as they say, there are usually ten steps between people, and if you do all 10 alone, it will not lead to anything good. However, hope dies last and I hope for the best) and don't be discouraged. Life is like that, you never know what will turn out.
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It's been a few years and that's what I can say. At first it was not easy for me. And everyone advised me: take care of yourself, you will still have everything and much better. And of course I didn't believe it. :(
Then this man said to me: "Get out of my life forever"! It was very rude (((But I said: "Good." And after a short time I really forgot him. He became completely uninteresting to me. And I really didn't care.
Then another guy found me himself, prettier and more interesting than him. :) And, at least it was all mutual now.
And what do you think???
He immediately showed up, began to worry about me, support, give some advice.
He himself said to forget about him forever, and he himself could never forget about me!
But I don't need it anymore and I'm not interested from the word "absolutely".
I have a new life. And many different interesting events in it. Of course, everything happens.
So do not do stupid things, time will put everything in its place.
Love and appreciate yourself, always strive for something and you will have everything!
And if you didn’t come, then at least think about it, faith in God helped me a lot!
Thank you all for your interest in my story.
I think that the only option will help here - to learn how to painlessly let go of any person who does not want to continue with you either friendship or communication or relationship.
Well, what other options do you foresee? Go for questions and clarifications with this person? Alas. This is an ineffective option: many cannot or do not want to tell the truth in such situations. And they go for sweet lies and hypocrisy. Or ignore. Or to aggression. Therefore, all attempts to solve the problem by clarifying and inquiring in the vast majority of cases will not give the desired result and will not lead to your goal. And possibly they will aggravate the situation. As well as aggravate the person’s attitude towards you.
Unfortunately, this happens very often - no matter what you do to a person, nothing bad, and he suddenly not only stops communicating, but also stubbornly hides the truth. So the reason is definitely not in you. the right to communicate with whom. But it would still be much more honest to explain frankly: after all, in this case, the problem would probably have been resolved peacefully and conservatively. And any concealment of the truth and any sweet lie, dishonesty and meanness is obvious.
But only if you lie, will you re-educate such a dishonest person. So, nevertheless, learn to let people go painlessly. In extreme cases, contact a psychologist. And communicate with those people who don’t bring you such problems. reason to see a psychologist.
For some reason I didn’t understand, I was thrown out of the site ..... I was very excited, because I thought that everything was gone, and because the thought that goes on can’t be returned or rewound. Like a film of a movie tape ..... I apologize for the digression .....
So I settled on her closeness, or rather about her bitchy, . What did you understand? Under the word closeness, when I read it for the first time. That's right, sexual intercourse, contact ... Magic))))) as you wish. But is it proximity?
No, this is a connection. Connect in a simple way. So let's get back to the main idea. Or rather, to the plot from my life. I met a girl, a simple, unremarkable one. So here it is. What is remarkable is that it is not exemplary. But very good indeed! like David's tear is pure...
Excuse me if I jumped. But but what next it was I will miss. Nothing special, but personal things can’t be all in public and so on right away ... In short, we talked with her for four and a half years, just talked. Or maybe already 5 years. Yes, we met somewhere at that time. I would like to know the day and month. Damn, I don’t remember .... Although you can find out, you just need to find the old page and try to go to it .. There should be a correspondence with our mutual friend, who introduced us as we know each other.
So pure as David's tear. And here we were with her in a close relationship. And a week and a half ago, all communication and intimacy went away. We could talk for 6-8 hours via video communication and were happy. People, it was a week and a half ago, you estimate ..... What is love. Perhaps so, where is the passion then? Connect ... Now you think that I'm a goof there. I fell in love with a girl and she twisted me as she wanted ... Yes, no, guys, it was not like that .. I may be Loh only in the fact that I lost her forever (((((..... 03/21/2019 You wanted a verse on lavi ))))) The book..
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ReplyHelped us:
Marina Vershkova
Psychologist
Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology
Elena Kuzeeva
Psychologist
Marina Travkova
Family psychotherapist
Are you afraid of judgment
You are not 15 for a long time, but the feeling that your loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable does not let go. All your attempts to communicate have come to nothing. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional rapist and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or just a bad character and a hard fate for a person, and you sob into the pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier if you interrupted or reduced communication to a minimum.
However, the fear of condemnation crosses out all the arguments of reason. After all we hear from childhood that swearing with relatives is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think?
What to do: “In such cases, it’s about respecting personal boundaries,” Marina Travkova, a family therapist, is sure. - You can run away from your relatives far away, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, without closing your eyes to your own discomfort, and finally choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who “say something”.
It is impossible to please everyone, so a person who sets himself such a task is in a trap. Such a lifestyle deprives one of joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “the way it should be” and inspired that “it’s not like that, it’s wrong, no one needs it.”
Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to be rejected by those he loves and depends on. But you've grown up. And if someone is upset by your behavior, then most likely neither you nor the upset person will die from this. Gently but confidently explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready to resist - usually the behavior of "bear me anyway" is very pleasant to the one who practices it, and your loved one will not simply refuse it. You still can’t be good for everyone, and in this situation, someone should show indifference to you, and this someone, most likely, is you yourself.
Need to communicate
This is generally the most popular excuse for those who tolerate both a despot husband and a boorish neighbor. There is a sea of various “musts” that are performed without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, why. It is necessary to get married, build a dizzying career, travel around the world. One of these “needs” is the indispensable friendship with newly-made relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations in rare meetings are not suitable. It's friendship.
And it does not matter that we choose husbands and friends according to common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and all the rest are included, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and do not want to be related to them, but you continue to put on a good face in a bad game, supporting yourself with arguments: “we are one family”, “I was raised this way” and “everyone does it”.
What to do: “If you dig deep,” says psychologist Marina Vershkova, “then the “it’s necessary” program has been pre-installed for us since childhood. This behavior was typical of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited. And if you look at the surface, then this is the most common attempt to take control of the opinions of others about you. You selflessly make friends with the inner circle of your dear person, in this way trying to say: "I'm good, I'm doing everything right."
But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you the most. Do not be afraid to dream up, play this way to yourself and see what emotions and feelings it will evoke in you.
However, do not deceive yourself: if a certain “I don’t want to” is found, it will have to be legalized, that is, admit it at least to yourself. Thus, it will be easier to understand that you do not need such communication.
your rights
For all those who love to be tormented by guilt, it is good to have The Rights of the Self-Confident Person (from the Bill of Psychological Rights of the Person, an unofficial document developed by the American Psychological Association) handy.
- Each person has the right to evaluate his own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.
- Everyone has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions to others.
- Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and decide for himself whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
- Everyone has the right to change their decisions.
- Every person has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect.
Are you afraid to offend
Perhaps you yourself do not want to tenderly be friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You make a lot of efforts, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you yourself are offended by him - because a loved one does not understand you, does not see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. Such a situation may well end in a spoiled relationship, for the benefit of which you tried so hard.. Some call it female wisdom, which, however, is customary to cover up anything, from the fear of changing one's life for the better to outright stupidity.
What to do: Marianna Volkova, a practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you are suffering in silence, others are sure that everything is in order, and if one day you try to present your suffering as a kind of feat for the sake of your loved one, most likely they will simply not understand you. Agree, it is strange to do what you do not want, and at the same time remain silent.
Sooner or later, you will simply explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling your emotions. At the same time, the truth will not be on your side: after all, if you have not shown discontent before, it means that everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you run the risk of being branded as an unbalanced hysteric.
The best way out is a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of an unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. Compromise can always be found, but any compromise starts with a frank conversation.". It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will really try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, it remains just to put him before the fact and remind you that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.
Dangerous for health
The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and contented are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “forbearance” threatens with nervous breakdowns and, as a result, various diseases.
Psychologist Elena Kuzeeva has no doubts: “If you have noticed the peculiarity of “endure and forgive everything” and at the same time you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with defense mechanisms that have grown stronger over the years. And it's not always easy to do it alone."
Used to communicate
You communicate with a colleague from times that no one else in the team remembers. But some years have passed - and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you become uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you experience only irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be curtailed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about the weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so cloudless.
What to do: “If you don’t just disagree, but you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it’s better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” says Marianna Volkova. - Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the road. Of course, it's a shame to refuse a friend with whom he spent so much time. But often we are afraid of losing not the person himself, but communication as a ritual that accompanied every stage of our life.
Such relationships can often be compared to many years of marriage, in which feelings have become a habit. You will most likely be sorry and insulting to interrupt them. In this case, it helps to think about the feelings of the opponent. After all, a person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So even out of respect for your many years of friendship - stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully reduce communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to turn a blind eye to the situation.
If they don't want to talk to you
But what if you find yourself in any of the situations listed above, but on the other side of the barricade? “When you are suddenly denied communication, you, most often, begin to delve into yourself and look for reasons,” Marianna Volkova reflects. “Because you can’t understand how you – so good and who didn’t do anything bad to a person – are ignored.
You can, of course, torment yourself and loved ones with endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call a person who does not accept you for a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum, provoke a conflict that both of you could do without. It is best, of course, to leave the right for a person to choose with whom and how to communicate.
How to fit in
In fairness, it should be said that simply cutting off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell the boss that you no longer want to see him and that all work questions are now by corporate mail. We'll have to find a way to adjust. Let's say a citizen doesn't do anything bad to you personally, but at the same time he's terribly annoying. You are looking for a clue, but you do not see it - it just infuriates, that's all.
“If you feel irritation in the society of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” hints Elena Kuzeeva. “Perhaps the unfortunate has nothing to do with it. You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel next to him your inferiority in any area. Perhaps you had some expectations about him, and they were not met. After identifying and understanding the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear.
If you understand perfectly well what exactly pisses you off, it remains to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises treat every meeting with an unpleasant person, as, for example, going to the dentist- so-so joy, but necessary. “It helps a lot to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. He doesn't care if he annoys you."
There are a lot of descriptions of this state - both everyday and scientific: “Everyone around is disgusted”, “I don’t want to see anyone”, “Poisoning by people”, “Physically I can’t communicate with anyone”. Does this happen to you? When you go out into the street, and there is horror: there are a hundred times more passers-by than in China! You appear in the office - and colleagues, as if by agreement, pull you, impose communication, endlessly demand attention. If you want to take a break from tedious conversations, then no: the enraged telephone receiver clogs and clogs your head with annoying voices ... I would rather run away from this crowded people. Crawl into a hole. And “to feel orphanhood as bliss” - thanks to Akhmadulina for the poetic interpretation of the medical term “burnout syndrome”.
Signs of emotional burnout:
. I don't want to see, hear, talk to anyone.
. Perpetual fatigue.
. "Blurred" head, migraine, nausea.
. Insomnia on the background of excitement: the state of "so tired that there is no strength to fall asleep." Unwillingness to wake up in the morning.
. Emotional emptiness (feeling of a "squeezed lemon").
. Symptoms of asthenia: palpitations, dilated pupils,
pallor of the skin.
. Irritability, impatience.
. Loss of ability to make decisions.
. Feeling disappointed in the chosen activity.
. Exacerbation of chronic diseases.
Emotional cannibalism
The scientific term "burnout" ("emotional burnout") in 1974 was coined and introduced into circulation by the American psychologist Fredeberg. As a matter of fact, the psychologist did not invent anything, just his patients, when describing their condition, used the phrase “I am burned out, the soul is ashes” so often that Fredeberg only had to give the metaphor the status of a diagnosis. And the syndrome of emotional burnout "went to the people." Initially, this diagnosis was given to anyone who showed the characteristic signs of "exhaustion from communication." Patients described their experiences very colorfully - "The people around me eat me piece by piece, drink my energy, devour my emotions" - and complained of fatigue, a feeling of powerlessness, exhaustion, frequent headaches, and insomnia. The disorder was loudly dubbed “emotional cannibalism” in pseudo-scientific publications and declared an inevitable psychological evil of our time: after all, communication, the main culprit of all troubles, is present in literally everything we do, whether it is relationships with relatives or professional activities.
Time passed, and the specialists, distributing a resounding diagnosis to the right and left, became thoughtful. Something didn’t work out: At work, you need to sweat, but not burn
the record “burnout” flashed in the medical records of malicious misanthropes, and young ladies tired of parental nagging, and men entangled in love relationships, and mothers tormented by capricious children, and even psychopaths, from time to time feeling the desire to “pick up a machine gun and all of them! » The listed patients undoubtedly had problems, but they were associated with different reasons and concerned communication with specific people, and not communication as such in general. Psychologists and psychiatrists looked at diagnosed with emotional burnout more carefully.
It turned out that many complaining of “communication intoxication” have one thing in common: their professional success directly depended on the quality and quantity of communication with other people. And the diagnosis of "burnout syndrome", leaving the medical records of housewives, drivers, jewelers, etc., migrated to the category of disorders called in psychology professional deformation. Namely, it has become an unfortunate prerogative of those who, on duty, are forced to closely communicate with people. AT were at risk(according to the degree of reduction in the likelihood of emotional burnout): psychotherapists, teachers, journalists, leaders of all ranks, including managers, as well as nurses, governesses, doctors, nurses and others. Victims of emotional cannibalism have come to be referred to by specialists as “burnt out” or “burnt out,” depending on the severity of the disorder.
Disgust and hatred
A few years ago, the American National Institute for Health and Occupational Safety published data showing that of the 40 million people worldwide who suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, two-thirds are most likely not affected by chronic fatigue, but by the clinical form of burnout. .And the main reason for their indisposition is not so much professional overload, emergency work, stress, irregular working hours, fear of losing a job and fear of being incompetent (all of the above is a trigger for chronic fatigue), but glut of contact with other people- what is called, to the very eyeballs. The situation is becoming a dead end: after all, communication is the essence of the professional activity of those who, due to emotional burnout, are no longer able, not only to speak, but even to see their clients or partners. Trapped in the trap of “I can’t communicate, but I can’t not communicate,” a person experiences severe stress. Overwork is interspersed with irritation - up to bouts of so-called office rage, when people throw out unmotivated aggression on colleagues or clients. According to British sociologists, every second employee at least once fell into an uncontrollable rage at his workplace. However, unmotivated aggression is already the last degree of emotional burnout. Luckily, "burnout" sneaks up on a person insidiously. Which means we have time to understand what's going on and not let ourselves burn to the ground.
The first stage of chronic fatigue syndrome is "emotional deficit". Work that until recently brought pleasure is disgusting. The doctor understands that he no longer wants to help his patients, the teacher - that he is sick of the mere thought of the upcoming lecture, the journalist's cheekbones are reduced from the need to arrange an interview. “Burning” make an unpleasant discovery: familiar situations in which they easily, and most importantly, effectively interacted with people, for some reason became difficult. More and more often, burnout victims make mistakes while performing the simplest professional duties. Resentment, irritability grows: “Why should I endure them all? I'm not made of iron!
In the second stage of "emotional detachment" a person turns on psychological protection, putting a barrier between himself and those with whom he must work. “If you can’t get away from me, I will stop paying attention to you,” this is how you can characterize the mood of the "burning". Emotions become scarce, nothing - neither positive nor negative circumstances - causes a spiritual response. A person turns into a soulless robot, and this, of course, does not go unnoticed by partners or clients. They are perplexed, offended, sometimes even cut off contacts. At this stage, the quality of the work of the “burning” one begins to decrease significantly.
Many would get rid of burnout in the early stages if
would not admit their condition to management. Multiple timeouts in the form
vacations or business trips help restore emotional resources.
An unpleasant person wound up in your environment: he both angers you and makes you nervous. You do not want to communicate with him, but still maintain a relationship. Why? And what to do with it?
Are you afraid of judgment
You are not 15 for a long time, but the feeling that your loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable does not let go. All your attempts to communicate have come to nothing. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional rapist and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or just a bad character and a hard fate for a person, and you sob into the pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier if you interrupted or reduced communication to a minimum. However, the fear of condemnation crosses out all the arguments of reason. After all, we hear from childhood that swearing with relatives is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family, and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think?
What to do:
“In such cases, it is about respecting personal boundaries,” says Marina Travkova, a family psychotherapist. - You can run away from your relatives far away, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, without closing your eyes to your own discomfort, and, finally, choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who “say something”.
It is impossible to please everyone, so a person who sets himself such a task is in a trap. Such a lifestyle deprives one of joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “the way it should be” and inspired that “it’s not like that, it’s wrong, no one needs it.” Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to be rejected by those he loves and depends on. But you've grown up. And if someone is upset by your behavior, then, most likely, neither you nor the upset person will die from this. Gently but confidently explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready to resist - usually the behavior of "bear me anyway" is very pleasant to the one who practices it, and your loved one will not simply refuse it. You still can’t be good for everyone, and in this situation, someone should show indifference to you, and this someone, most likely, is you yourself.
Need to communicate
This is generally the most popular excuse for those who tolerate both a despot husband and a boorish neighbor. There is a sea of various "shoulds" that are performed without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, for what. It is necessary to get married, build a dizzying career, travel around the world. One of these “needs” is the indispensable friendship with newly-made relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations in rare meetings are not suitable. It's friendship. And it does not matter that we choose husbands and friends according to common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and all the rest are included, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and do not want to be related to them, but you continue to put on a good face in a bad game, supporting yourself with arguments: “we are one family”, “I was raised this way” and “everyone does it”.
What to do:
“If you dig deep,” says psychologist Marina Vershkova, “then the “it’s necessary” program has been pre-installed for us since childhood. Such behavior was characteristic of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited it. And if you look at the surface, then this is the most common attempt to take control of the opinions of others about you. You selflessly make friends with the inner circle of your dear person, in this way trying to say: "I'm good, I'm doing everything right." But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you the most. Do not be afraid to dream up, play this way to yourself and see what emotions and feelings it will evoke in you.
However, do not deceive yourself: if a certain “I don’t want to” is found, it will have to be legalized, that is, admit it at least to yourself. Thus, it will be easier to understand that you do not need such communication.
your rights
For all those who love to be tormented by guilt, it is good to have The Rights of the Self-Confident Person (from the Bill of Psychological Rights of the Person, an unofficial document developed by the American Psychological Association) handy.
Each person has the right to evaluate his own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.
Everyone has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions to others.
Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and decide for himself whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
Everyone has the right to change their decisions.
Every person has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect.
Are you afraid to offend
Perhaps you yourself do not want to tenderly be friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You make a lot of efforts, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you yourself are offended by him - because a loved one does not understand you, does not see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. Such a situation may well end in a spoiled relationship, for the benefit of which you tried so hard. Some call it female wisdom, which, however, is customary to cover up anything, from the fear of changing one's life for the better to outright stupidity.
What to do:
Marianna Volkova, a practicing psychologist, a specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you are suffering in silence, others are sure that everything is in order, and if one day you try to present your suffering as a kind of feat for the sake of your loved one, most likely they will simply not understand you. Agree, it is strange to do what you do not want, and at the same time remain silent.
Sooner or later, you will simply explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling your emotions. At the same time, the truth will not be on your side: after all, if you have not shown discontent before, it means that everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you run the risk of being branded as an unbalanced hysteric.
The best way out is a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of an unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. Compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a frank conversation. It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will really try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, it remains just to put him before the fact and remind you that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.
Dangerous for health
The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and contented are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “forbearance” threatens with nervous breakdowns and, as a result, various diseases.
Psychologist Elena Kuzeeva has no doubts: “If you have noticed the peculiarity of “to endure and forgive everything” and at the same time you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with defense mechanisms that have grown stronger over the years. And it's not always easy to do it alone."
Used to communicate
You communicate with a colleague from times that no one else in the team remembers. But some years have passed - and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you become uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you experience only irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be curtailed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about the weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so cloudless.
What to do:
“If you don’t just disagree, but you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it’s better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” says Marianna Volkova. - Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the road. Of course, it's a shame to refuse a friend with whom he spent so much time. But often we are afraid of losing not the person himself, but communication as a ritual that accompanied every stage of our life.
Such relationships can often be compared to many years of marriage, in which feelings have become a habit. You will most likely be sorry and insulting to interrupt them. In this case, it helps to think about the feelings of the opponent. After all, a person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So even out of respect for your many years of friendship - stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully reduce communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to turn a blind eye to the situation.
If they don't want to talk to you
But what if you find yourself in any of the situations listed above, but on the other side of the barricade? “When you are suddenly denied communication, you, most often, begin to delve into yourself and look for reasons,” Marianna Volkova reflects. “Because you can’t understand how you – so good and who didn’t do anything bad to a person – are ignored.
You can, of course, torment yourself and loved ones with endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call a person who does not accept you for a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum, provoke a conflict that both of you could do without. It is best, of course, to leave the right for a person to choose with whom and how to communicate.
How to fit in
In fairness, it should be said that simply cutting off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell the boss that you no longer want to see him and that all work questions are now by corporate mail. We'll have to find a way to adjust. Let's say a citizen doesn't do anything bad to you personally, but at the same time he's terribly annoying. You are looking for a clue, but you do not see it - it just infuriates, that's all. “If you feel irritation in the society of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” hints Elena Kuzeeva. “Perhaps the unfortunate has nothing to do with it. You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel next to him your inferiority in any area. Perhaps you had some expectations about him, and they were not met. After identifying and understanding the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear. If you understand perfectly well what exactly pisses you off, it remains to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises to treat every meeting with an unpleasant person as, for example, going to the dentist - so-so joy, but necessary. “It helps a lot to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. He doesn't care if he annoys you."