Spock Benjamin and his children. Benjamin Spock - child and caring for him

Food

In his book on raising children, Benjamin Spock writes:
Why do so many children eat poorly? Mainly because their mothers force them to eat well. And there are no significant nutritional problems seen in infants and young children whose mothers do not worry about their diet. You can say jokingly that it takes knowledge and many months of hard work to create nutritional problems.
One child is born with a voracious appetite that persists even when upset or sick. Others have a more moderate appetite and are easily affected by mood and health. The first child may become overweight, but the second is more likely to be thin. But every a child is born with enough appetite to remain healthy and productive.
Parents can save themselves a lot of unnecessary trouble regarding nutritional problems if they remember the basic rule: do not convince, much less force, your child to eat. Children have a natural appetite. When they are hungry enough, they eat.
Mothers are sometimes afraid that if they follow this advice and give the child what he wants, this may lead to some kind of deficiency in nutrition and, accordingly, in the development of the child. Dr. Spock writes that such a danger is unlikely to be real.
It is important to remember that children have an innate mechanism that lets them know how much and what type of food they need for normal growth and development. It is extremely rare for children to have severe malnutrition, vitamin deficiencies, or illness due to nutritional problems.
Dr. Spock describes Clara Davis's famous experiment. Ten-month-old infants were given the choice of any whole, unrefined food they wanted. And the children coped well with this for a long time, creating a diet that any scientist would recognize as well-balanced.
However, parents whose children are not eating well should take their children to the doctor from time to time so that he can evaluate the diet and recommend, if necessary, dietary supplements or even medications.

AVOID NUTRITION PROBLEMS
From the very beginning, we must show trust in children's innate ability to judge what is good for them. Don't try to force your child to drink more from his bottle than he wants. Introduce solid foods gradually; and when the child refuses some food, take it away. You can try giving it in a few weeks. If your child's appetite has dropped and he doesn't seem to want to eat much (sometimes because of pain from growing teeth), don't try to get him to eat more. Children should view food as something desirable, not as a favor they are doing to us.
Mothers often make the mistake of continuing to feed a baby who has clearly lost interest in food. When your baby starts fidgeting and turns away from the spoon, recognize that he no longer needs to eat and remove him from the highchair.
Sometimes the reluctance to eat is caused by one specific food - usually something plant-based - that children do not like. And mothers continue to insist on their own, trying by all means to cram more into the child. They often even mix foods he doesn't like with foods he does like. But usually a child is not so easily fooled. Even if he eats this food, he will feel something wrong in it, and this may make him suspicious of all food. It doesn’t hurt for parents to ask themselves: is it worth doing this? After all, adults also have one or two types of food that they do not like. A child's disgust is very real, and we cause him real suffering (and a lot of problems for ourselves) every time we subject him to such an experience.
As children get older, their tastes and appetites begin to change and sometimes this leads to the development of stubbornness about food, which can then easily develop into an eating problem. A worried mother tries to force her child to eat more - but he, on the contrary, eats less. The mother's irritation can develop into anger, she feels deep disappointment because the child refuses to eat; and this, in turn, further reduces his appetite. Mealtime becomes a time of conflict and battle. Now the child not only perceives food as a means of satisfying the mother’s desires, but also begins to consider himself bad because he does not eat the way his parents want.
To avoid these problems, parents need to make an effort and stop worrying about how their children eat. You should rely on their natural appetite and feed them according to their desires. Remember that there are no “bad” or “good” eaters, but only children with a large or small appetite. Don't measure your success by how much your child eats. When there is no tension, parents will no longer be so upset that their child is not eating enough.
It’s also not worth starting a battle with a child who doesn’t finish what’s put on his plate. We can avoid this whole problem if we offer to help the child and ask him first what and how much he wants, and give him only whatever he chooses. (In fact, it's best to give your child just a little at first so that he can ask for more later.) This way, what's on your child's plate will be under control, and you won't have to push too hard for him to finish the meal. And if he still doesn't want to eat, you can say: "Okay, I hope you're not hungry now; you can eat it later." (Warm food should be reheated to taste.) Children should be taught that throwing away food is wrong.

PICKY EATER
Some children's problems are not limited to one or two types of vegetables; a picky eater refuses to touch many types of food. But parents need to try very hard to be tolerant and not argue with their children about this. Do not scold your child and do not force him to eat “just a little”; don't offer him anything special if he eats; Don't threaten to deprive him of dessert. If during a particular meal you don't have anything he likes, he can eat bread with butter or margarine. (Five slices of bread contain nine grams of protein!)
Some parents believe that children should learn to eat everything. Of course this is desirable; the question is how to achieve this. Picky kids take things they don't like seriously, and if we're just trying to get them to eat, we need to be ready for a fight.
But from time to time it is a good idea to persuade a child to try something that he has hitherto rejected, explaining that taste often changes, and by giving ourselves a chance, we may find that we love something that we thought we would never eat.
At the same time, you don’t need to completely abandon what you were going to cook and set up a restaurant for them. While parents should try to include things that kids like, it's certainly not a good idea to prepare special foods just for them. A strict policy in this regard will help children gradually get used to eating more. If the child does not eat at the appropriate time, do not allow him to eat something special later. The child must first be warned that you will not serve him anything else (except for what they usually chew) outside of meals; this way he will know what to expect if he decides not to eat with everyone else. And you don’t need to say this in a threatening manner, such as: “If you don’t eat now, you won’t get anything until dinner.” He should be allowed to eat crackers or fruit between meals, just like everyone else.
Sometimes mothers feel very guilty because their children go hungry all day. After all, it is her responsibility to provide the child with food; Isn't she a bad mother if she sees that he doesn't eat anything and doesn't react to it?! But she must realize that the child chose not to eat. The little hunger he may experience (we must remember that he greatly exaggerates it to make us feel guilty!) will not harm him; he will teach him that he needs to eat with everyone and eat the same as everyone else. We can sympathize with a child who complains that he is hungry, but for his own good we need to insist on our decision.
Capricious children often express their dislike for some food with the word “Eehhh!” or "I hate this!" But if a child is allowed to say that he is not interested in something, he should never show aversion to any food, because this shows disrespect for what the Creator created. If he doesn't want to eat something served on the table, he can say "No, thank you" or "I'd rather not take anything."

DISEASE
When a child is sick, he or she usually has poor appetite. And even after recovery, he does not immediately begin to eat normally. Eating problems often arise when parents start pushing food into their child prematurely. Children should be offered only the food and drink they want and wait patiently until their appetite is fully restored. There is no need to worry about weight loss; when the desire to eat returns, the child will feel intense hunger and quickly gain it.

THIN CHILD AND FAT CHILD
Thinness is usually determined by the constitution. But if parents are concerned, they should take the child to the child's doctor to find out what the medical profession thinks about it.
Dr. Spock's opinion boils down to the fact that if the child does not have any special health problems and is gaining weight from year to year, although he is still as thin as at first, then the parents can calm down and leave him alone. And there is no doubt that this child will remain so.
One of the factors of excess weight is heredity. A child's chances of being overweight are much higher if both parents are overweight. In this case, you need to regulate your food intake. If we teach him to eat low-calorie foods from an early age, this can significantly reduce his chances of gaining excess weight. This means you don’t need to give him anything fatty or sweet. Instead of all kinds of cakes, pies, and cookies, it is better to offer fresh fruits or carrots and cucumbers.
Parents should remember that well-nourished often means overfed. There is no need to worry about a chubby baby, but if an older child looks a little heavy, it is better to switch him to a mainly fruit and vegetable diet.
If your child is fat, encourage him to be careful about what he eats. But don't say something like, "You're too fat and shouldn't eat so much bread." And don't shield your child from calorie-rich foods served on special occasions such as Shabbat; then, offended, he may want such food even more.
Some children don't seem to worry about being overweight. And others are very unhappy because of this. These children are usually very critical of themselves for eating too much and blame themselves for their lack of self-control. It's typical for an overweight person to say to themselves when they reach for high-calorie foods, “I really shouldn't eat this, but...” and then beat yourself up about it. To help a child, you must first of all make him understand the mechanism of this vicious circle and teach him to stop telling himself all sorts of apologies. He must realize how difficult it is to diet and how much willpower it takes to lose weight. And parents should sympathize with him in his efforts and, of course, not add to his humiliation by drawing attention to how he looks.
It is usually not helpful to encourage your child to lose weight. However, older children, especially teenagers, are often advised to visit a doctor, who can advise an appropriate diet if necessary.

Lie

We must distinguish the tendency of young children to confuse fantasy and reality from deliberate lies. The first is usually for children with a vivid imagination. Instead of expressing disbelief, it is better to react with surprise. For example, if your four-year-old tells you, “I see a lion outside!”, you might simply respond, “Really?”
Another thing is deliberate distortion of the truth. Most children will lie on certain occasions to avoid scolding, punishment or responsibility. Some children also tell fictitious stories about themselves to gain acceptance.
If we suspect that a child is making things up, be careful and do not immediately tell him about it. It is better to object gently; and if he insists that it is, give him the benefit of the doubt.
But if we are sure that the child is lying, we need to calmly talk to him about it. We must tell him that we know he is not telling the truth and make him aware that lying is prohibited. And, in addition, we need to explain to him how important it is for us to believe him and rely on what he says.
But although the child must know that lying is prohibited, we should not frighten him with this. Remember, even if a child understands that lying is wrong, he can still do it sometimes. And if you attach too much importance to this, he will feel terribly guilty.
If your child denies doing something wrong to avoid reprimand or punishment, reassure him that you will not punish him in any way. It is more important to encourage the child to tell the truth. And after that you can tell him: “I’m glad you’re not cheating. Please, never be afraid to admit when you do wrong.” Naturally, we must be careful not to blame the child too much for his misdeeds, so that fear does not push him to lie.
Most types of defensive lies can be prevented if you do not ask questions that provoke lies. For example, if a child immediately rushes away from the table after eating, there is no need to ask: “Have you already read the blessing after eating?”, it is better to say: “Come back to the table - you forgot to read the blessing after eating.”
If a child tells lies very often, parents may fear that he will grow up to be a complete liar. But, of course, there is no reason for such fear. Although children sometimes go through a phase of constant lying, with some help they overcome this phase. The main thing here is to react calmly and continue to instill in the child how important it is for him to always tell the truth so that others can rely on him.

Theft

Young children often don't have a clear sense of what belongs to them and what doesn't. When they want to take home a colorful toy from a store or from their friend's house, they shouldn't call it stealing. All you need to do is explain to the child that the toy is not his and gently insist that he return it. And just like that, if he picks up candy in the supermarket, we tell him that it belongs to the store and encourage him to put it back on the shelf. But by the age of six, children are already able to understand what theft is and that it is reprehensible.
When parents first learn that their children have committed a more serious theft, they usually react with alarm. Theft is a crime, and it is difficult to associate your children with it. After the first shock, the parents begin to look for the motives for this theft. They may even blame themselves for it: “What We did it wrong if he now has to steal?"
But searching for psychological motivation for a child’s behavior usually does not help. The simplest and most logical justification for his theft is that he really wanted to have that thing that did not belong to him, and therefore, knowing that it was bad, he still stole the money to buy it. And it is unconstructive for parents to puzzle over what they are doing wrong. Instead, they should focus on the problem itself and what to do about it.
To begin with, we must bring to the child's consciousness that theft is a serious crime. One mother, who found out that her five-year-old child had taken money from her wallet, condemned him very sharply; but the child still continued to take money. Then she had a serious conversation with him and explained to him that it is unacceptable to steal. This made a very strong impression on the child, and he stopped doing it.
It is also important, if you are sure that your child has stolen something, to say so directly. For example, you notice that twenty dollars are missing from your wallet. That same day, your son returns home and shows you a new watch, saying that he found it on the street. Don't ask, "Did you really find them?" Tell him: “Twenty dollars are missing from my wallet. You took this money and bought yourself a watch with it.” If the child denies taking the money, do not turn it into an argument, but calmly insist. And when he finally admits to the theft, make him return the watch and return your money. (And if the stolen money was spent on sweets or something similar, you should discuss with your child how he can return the stolen amount.)
A child who steals should never be shamed or called a thief; and you can’t scare him that someday he’ll end up in prison. And also don't ask him: "Why did you do that?" This will only encourage him to make self-justifying thought patterns.
Even if we carefully avoid these mistakes, children who steal feel terribly guilty afterwards. To help your child cope with these thoughts, you should first try to talk to him about it, starting, for example, with the question: “You feel really bad about what you did, don’t you?” The child may nod his head and say nothing; This is usually a sign that he is too embarrassed to respond. However, we must continue, gently reminding him that even if he did something really very bad, that does not make him a bad person. Instead of thinking about how terrible he is, he should just feel sad and decide that he won't do that again. And then he can be sure that G-d will forgive him. And we can also advise the child from now on to come to us and talk when he really wants something.

Bad words

Children say bad words mainly because they make a strong impression on shocked adults. Often they don't even know what they mean; all they know is that they have the power to cause a scandal around them.
Therefore, it is important to avoid such shock reactions. The first time your child uses these words, let him know that they are not nice words and that you do not want him to use them. Your reaction should be very moderate. And if he does it again, say calmly: “I ask you to forget this word.” It’s not superfluous to explain to the child: “These are garbage words - they are not for your lips.” Older children can be helped by moderate reprimand like: “I didn’t expect you to talk like that.” They also need to be taught that ugly expressions (nivul pe) insult both the speaker and the listener, and are strictly prohibited by the Torah.
This doesn't mean you have to react every time your child says bad things. If you get the impression that your reaction is encouraging him to continue, it may be best to ignore your child for a while. But whatever path you choose, the main thing is to remain calm.

Rampage

All children get out of control sometimes. They start running around the house, jumping on furniture, attacking each other, screaming at the top of their lungs. It's great fun for little ones; but not for the older ones, who feel on edge from this.
It is best to call the children into the same room, telling them that you have something important to tell them. And when they gather, say: “Children, I know that this is a great joy for you, but I can’t let you run around like that. This is normal on the street, but not at home. If you play quietly now, that’s fine. And If not, I’ll have to separate you into different rooms. Decide, okay?” If this doesn't help, tell them: "That's it, kids, get to your places - you can come out of there when you're ready to play quietly," and take each one to their room.
Some mothers hesitate to stop their children when they make noise, telling themselves, "The kids need to run around and get some energy out, and I shouldn't worry about it so much. I need to be tolerant of it." But it is better if they are less demanding of themselves; Why expose your nerves to unnecessary suffering? As a result, this may end in shouting at the children. Other mothers feel bad for disrupting their children's fun. It’s interesting that sometimes one gets the impression, watching the wild running of children, that they have already played enough, but now they are simply not able to stop it themselves. In other words, we might just be doing them a favor if we stop them.

Shyness

Shyness, unless exaggerated, is a positive quality. This is one of the three outstanding qualities that characterize the Jewish people.
Some children seem to be naturally shy. In contrast to open children who are ready to smile at any stranger, a shy child tends to distance himself from the friendly advances of a visitor. Parents should not, out of embarrassment in front of a visitor, say to their child: “Why are you so shy?” or “They contacted you, why don’t you answer?” And you shouldn’t apologize for him, for example: “He’s always like this with visitors,” because this can only increase shyness. Moreover, thus drawing attention to
his shyness, we can instill in him the idea that this is something bad.
Parents should try not to pay attention to the impression their children make. If they are to offer friendly encouragement to their child, they should not make a problem out of not responding to someone's "Hello" and "So, how are you?" If the visitor thoughtfully remarks, "Isn't she shy?", you can respond, "No, she's not. She'll talk after a while, when she gets used to you." Even a normal, open child can sometimes get tired of a visitor's excessive friendliness, especially when he is bombarded with questions that he does not want to answer at all at that moment.
The less said about childhood shyness, the better. As these children mature, they usually lose much of their shyness and become more social.

On July 14, 1946, Benjamin Spock's book, Common Sense Child Care, appeared on the shelves of American bookstores. At the dawn of the third millennium, there is hardly a mother who does not know that the child should not be swaddled tightly and does not have to be fed according to a schedule. But in the middle of the 20th century, these “strange” advice from Dr. Spock became a real sensation...

“Child Care in the Spirit of Common Sense” was the name of the book that excited the whole world, and in the United States it took second place in popularity after the Bible and became a reference book for young parents. Over the course of 55 years, “The Child…” has gone through six reprints, been translated into 42 languages, including Urdu (Iran and part of Afghanistan), Thai (Thailand) and Tamil (Sri Lanka), and the total circulation of the book has already exceeded 50 million copies.

The future adviser to all young parents was born in 1903 in New Haven (Connecticut, USA) into the family of a successful lawyer. Spock, a corruption of the Dutch Spaak, is the family name of a family of settlers who settled in the Hudson River Valley. Benjamin's mother Mildred Louise, a strict and domineering woman, accustomed to hiding her feelings, was the embodiment of Puritanism. Dr. John Watson was then considered one of the main authorities on “children’s issues” in America. “Never, never kiss your child,” he strictly punished young parents in the book “Psychological Education of Infants and Children.” Mildred Louise appears to have been a diligent student of Watson's.

Spock pioneered the use of psychoanalysis to understand the needs of children

In addition, the pedagogical arsenal of parents of that time, in the words of the Boston Globe newspaper, consisted of “hard-boiled manuals, judgments inherited from the Victorian era, teachings from grandmothers and well-meaning, but not always competent, advice from neighbors, mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law.” As a sign of protest against the methods of education practiced, in particular, in his family, after leaving his childhood, Benjamin Spock wrote his book.

For most American dads and moms, the new “allowance” seemed to open a window from a stuffy room into a world of smells and colors. Even Mildred Louise, having read her son’s essay, said: “Well, Benny, in my opinion, is very good.” And young mothers read “Child” as a bestseller. “I have a feeling,” one of the readers admitted in a letter to the author, “as if you are talking to me, and most importantly, you consider me a rational being...”

The eldest of six children in the family, Benjamin had to fully learn what a nanny's worries were. “How many diapers have I changed, how many bottles with nipples have I brought!” — he talked about his own childhood. Not surprisingly, Spock sympathized with mothers. And having found himself in the war as a psychiatrist, he was shocked by how cynically she reduced all parental efforts to nothing.

Up to 40 million children born in the 1950s and 1960s were raised “according to Spock.”

In 1943, he began a book on child care "in the spirit of common sense": "Some young parents feel that they must forego all pleasures simply on principle rather than on practical grounds. But too much self-sacrifice will not benefit either you or the child. If parents are too busy only with their child, constantly worrying only about him, they become uninteresting to others and even to each other...”

It is common sense that should become the basis of child upbringing, Dr. Spock argued: “If a child cries, comfort or feed him, even if the feeding schedule is disrupted. But there is no need to rush headlong to the baby as soon as he whines. If a child cannot or does not want to do something, do not force him...”

Admirers of Benjamin Spock argue that Baby and Child Care, written during the presidency of Franklin Roosevelt, reflected the common sense of Roosevelt's New Deal, which helped America not only survive the difficult trials of the 20th century, but also become the strongest power in the world . Opponents of Spock-style education believed that it shook the Christian foundations of society: “The Bible teaches that man is inherently depraved. Everyone bears the curse of original sin. Spock abandoned the Christian paradigm. The doctor’s upbringing methods were based on allowing the child as much as possible.”

Benjamin Spock himself said that he tried to bring to life the ideas of two major thinkers of the early 20th century - the founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, as well as the American philosopher and educator John Dewey, who believed that “it is not at all necessary to drive children into adulthood with the help of disciplinary methods - they may well become adults of their own free will.” Children raised according to the advice of Dr. Spock demonstrated their character already in the 60s by protesting against the Vietnam War. And the doctor himself, from the very first days of the war, began to oppose it. This threatened serious trouble for a respectable physician, but he deliberately took the risk: “There is no point in raising children and then letting them burn alive.” In 1968, Benjamin Spock was found guilty of criminally aiding young men to evade conscription into the United States Armed Forces. The doctor was threatened with two years in prison, but the appeal court overturned the sentence.

In the USSR, Spock's book was published in 1956 and created a real revolution.

In general, maternal upbringing affected the “adult life” of Dr. Spock. “I never kissed my sons,” he said. And the children apparently suffered a lot. The youngest, John, admitted that he felt abandoned. The eldest, Michael, was also not delighted with his father’s pedagogy: “Our Ben always thought in extreme categories. Everything with him was either only bad or only good... And if I did something wrong, I could always fully feel how disapproving my father was of my action.”

The doctor did not have a good relationship with the mother of his children, Jane. According to people close to the Spock family, she was his first assistant in preparing the book, but she always felt underappreciated. Spiritual discomfort resulted in Jane's alcoholism, which completely destroyed the marriage. In 1975, the couple divorced, and soon Mary Morgan, a woman 40 years younger than him, became Spock's companion.

A terrible blow occurred in 1983, when Spock's grandson Peter committed suicide at the age of 22, and all family members felt as if the doctor blamed them for not paying attention to the depression that pushed the guy to take a disastrous step. How Benjamin Spock experienced what happened can be judged by his words: “We need to push work, career into the background, so that business does not come first for us, so that it does not take up so much time, depriving us of the opportunity to communicate with our family...”

Dr. Spock ran for President of the United States in 1972

Benjamin Spock died at his home in San Diego, having shortly before his death suffered a heart attack, stroke and six severe pneumonias. They offered him hospitalization, but Mary, knowing that her husband would not live outside the home for even two weeks, did not agree to this. Home health bills reached $16,000 a month. Considering that the family's annual budget was about 100 thousand dollars, it was not possible to pay such bills. Therefore, Mary Morgan turned to friends and acquaintances for help. When the press reported this, letters and money orders were sent to Benjamin Spock.

“I hate the atmosphere of official funerals with all my soul,” the doctor wrote in his memoirs, Spock on Spock. “I hate a darkened room, people with long faces, silent, whispering or sniffling, assistant managers unsuccessfully trying to portray grief... My ideal is a Negro funeral in the spirit of New Orleans, when friends walk, dancing, like a snake to the sounds of a jazz band.”

Dear Parents! Most of you have the opportunity to see a doctor if necessary. The doctor knows your child and only he can give you the best advice. Sometimes all it takes is a glance and one or two questions to understand what’s wrong with your child.

This book is not intended to teach you how to diagnose or treat yourself. The author wants to give you only a general idea of ​​the child and his needs. True, for those parents who, due to exceptional circumstances, find it difficult to get to a doctor, some sections provide advice on providing first aid. Advice from a book is better than no advice at all! But you can’t rely only on a book if you have the opportunity to get real medical help.

I also want to emphasize that you should not take everything written in this book too literally. There are no similar children, just as there are no similar parents. Diseases occur differently in children; Educational problems take different forms in different families. All I could do was describe only the most general cases. Remember that you know your child well, but I don’t know him at all.

1. You know much more than you think.

Your baby will be born soon. Maybe he was already born. You are happy and enthusiastic. But if you don't have enough experience, you may be worried that you won't be able to handle child care. You have heard a lot of conversations about raising children, you have read special literature on this topic, you have talked with doctors. The problem of caring for a child may seem overwhelming to you. You find out how your child needs vitamins and vaccinations. One friend tells you that you need to start giving eggs as before, because they contain iron, and another - that you need to wait with eggs, because they cause diathesis. You are told that a child can be spoiled if you hold him often, and that, on the contrary, he needs to be petted a lot. Some say that fairy tales excite the child, while others say that fairy tales have a beneficial effect on children.

Don't take everything your friends tell you too literally. Don't be afraid to trust your own common sense. Raising a child won't be difficult if you don't make it difficult. Trust your intuition and follow the advice of your pediatrician. The main thing a child needs is your love and care. And this is much more valuable than theoretical knowledge. Every time you hold your baby, even if you do it awkwardly at first, every time you change his diaper, bathe him, feed him, talk to him, smile at him, the child feels that he belongs to you, and you belong to him. . No one in the world except you can give him this feeling. You might find it surprising that when studying child-rearing methods, scientists came to the conclusion that good, loving parents intuitively make the best decisions. Moreover, self-confidence is the key to success. Be natural and don't be afraid of mistakes.

2. Parents have their own needs.

Books about child care, like this book, talk mainly about the many needs of a child. Therefore, inexperienced parents sometimes fall into despair after reading about the enormous work that they have to do. It seems to them that the author stands on the side of the children and blames the parents if something doesn’t go well. But it would only be fair to devote the same number of pages to the needs of parents, the failures that they constantly face, their fatigue, the insensitivity on the part of children, which hurts parents so painfully. Raising a child is long and hard work, and parents have human needs just like their children.

3. Children can be “easy” and “difficult”.

It is known that children are born with different temperaments and this does not depend on your desires. You have to accept the child as he is. But parents also have their own established characters, which are no longer easy to change. Some parents prefer quiet, obedient children and will have a difficult time with an energetic and noisy child. Others easily cope with a fidgety and brawling boy and will be disappointed if their child grows up to be “quiet.” Parents try to adapt to their child and do everything in their power for him.

4. At best, you will face hard work and the denial of many pleasures.

There is a lot of work to care for a child: you need to prepare food for him, wash diapers and clothes, constantly clean up after him, separate fights and console the beaten, listen to endless obscure stories, participate in children's games and read books to children that are not at all interesting to you, perform tedious walks around the zoo, taking children to school and to children's matinees, helping them prepare their homework, going to parent-teacher meetings in the evenings when you are very tired.

You will spend most of the family budget on children; because of children, you will not be able to often go to the theater, cinema, lectures, visits and evenings. You, of course, would never change places with childless parents for anything in the world, but still you miss your former freedom. Of course, people become parents not because they want to be martyrs, but because they love children and see in them flesh of their flesh. They also love children because their parents also loved them when they were children. Caring for children and monitoring their development give many parents, despite hard work, the greatest satisfaction in life, especially if the child turns out to be a wonderful person. Children are our creations, the guarantee of our immortality. All other achievements in our lives cannot be compared with the happiness of seeing our children grow into worthy people.

5. You don't need too many sacrifices.

Some new parents believe that they must completely give up their freedom and all pleasures simply on principle rather than for practical reasons. Even sneaking out of the house when the opportunity presents itself to get some pleasure, they feel too guilty. These feelings, but to a lesser extent, are natural for all parents in the first weeks after the birth of a child: everything is so new and you can’t think about anything else. But too much self-sacrifice will not benefit either you or the child. If parents are completely occupied only with their child, constantly worrying only about him, they become uninteresting to others and even to each other. They complain that they are confined within four walls because of the child, although they themselves are to blame for this. They involuntarily feel some hostility towards their child, although he did not require so many sacrifices. As a result, such parents expect too much from their child in gratitude for their efforts. You need to try not to go to extremes. It is necessary to honestly fulfill your parental responsibilities, but also not to deprive yourself of such pleasures that will not harm your child. Then you will be able to love your child more and show your love to him with greater pleasure.

Spock Benjamin
Child and care
Benjamin Spock
Child and care
Content
FROM THE AUTHOR
CLOTHING AND OTHER NECESSARY ITEMS
FEEDING A NEWBORN
BREAST-FEEDING
ARTIFICIAL FEEDING
VITAMINS AND WATER
CHANGES IN DIET AND ROUTINE
TRANSITION FROM NIPPLE TO CUP
DAILY BABY CARE
DIFFICULTIES IN THE FIRST YEAR OF LIFE
OTHER CONCERNS
YOUR CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT
POTTY TRAINING
ONE-YEAR-OLD CHILD
NUTRIENTS
FOOD PRODUCTS
HOW TO CANDLE SMALL CHILDREN
TWO YEAR OLD CHILD
SIX TO ELEVEN
SCHOOL
PUBERTY
NUTRITION AND DEVELOPMENT ISSUES
DISEASES
FIRST AID
SPECIAL PROBLEMS
From the author
About parents
Dear Parents!
Most of you have the opportunity to see a doctor if necessary. The doctor knows your child, and only he or she can give you the best advice. Sometimes all it takes is a glance and one or two questions to understand what’s wrong with your child.
This book is not intended to teach you how to diagnose or treat yourself. The author wants to give you only a general idea of ​​the child and his needs. True, for those parents who, due to exceptional circumstances, find it difficult to get to a doctor, some sections provide advice on providing first aid. Advice from a book is better than no advice at all! But you can’t rely only on a book if you have the opportunity to get real medical help.
I also want to emphasize that you should not take everything written in this book too literally. There are no similar children, just as there are no similar parents. Diseases occur differently in children; Educational problems take different forms in different families. All I could do was describe only the most general cases. Remember that you know your child well, but I don’t know him at all.
*Trust yourself*
1. You know much more than you think.
Your baby will be born soon. Maybe he was already born. You are happy and enthusiastic. But if you don't have enough experience, you may be worried that you won't be able to handle child care. You have heard a lot of conversations about raising children, you have read special literature on this topic, you have talked with doctors. The problem of caring for a child may seem overwhelming to you. You find out how your child needs vitamins and vaccinations. One friend tells you that you need to start giving eggs as before, because they contain iron, and another - that you need to wait with eggs, because they cause diathesis. You are told that a child can be spoiled if you hold him often, and that, on the contrary, he needs to be petted a lot. Some say that fairy tales excite the child, while others say that fairy tales have a beneficial effect on children.
Don't take everything your friends tell you too literally. Don't be afraid to trust your own common sense. Raising a child won't be difficult if you don't make it difficult. Trust your intuition and follow the advice of your pediatrician. The main thing a child needs is your love and care. And this is much more valuable than theoretical knowledge. Every time you hold your baby, even if you do it awkwardly at first, every time you change his diaper, bathe him, feed him, talk to him, smile at him, the child feels that he belongs to you, and you belong to him. . No one in the world except you can give him this feeling. You might find it surprising that when studying child-rearing methods, scientists came to the conclusion that good, loving parents intuitively make the best decisions. Moreover, self-confidence is the key to success. Be natural and don't be afraid of mistakes.
*Parents are people too*
2. Parents have their own needs.
Books about child care, like this book, talk mainly about the many needs of a child. Therefore, inexperienced parents sometimes fall into despair after reading about the enormous work that they have to do. It seems to them that the author stands on the side of the children and blames the parents if something doesn’t go well. But it would only be fair to devote the same number of pages to the needs of parents, the failures that they constantly face, their fatigue, the insensitivity on the part of children, which hurts parents so painfully. Raising a child is long and hard work, and parents have human needs just like their children. 3. Children can be “easy” and “difficult”.
It is known that children are born with different temperaments, and this does not depend on your desires. You have to accept the child as he is. But parents also have their own established characters, which are no longer easy to change. Some parents prefer quiet, obedient children and will have a difficult time with an energetic and noisy child. Others easily cope with a fidgety and brawling boy and will be disappointed if their child grows up to be “quiet.” Parents try to adapt to their child and do everything in their power for him. 4. At best, you will face hard work and the denial of many pleasures.
There is a lot of work involved in caring for a child. You need to prepare food for him, wash diapers and clothes, constantly clean up after him, separate fights and console the beaten, listen to endless obscure stories, participate in children's games and read books to children that are not at all interesting to you, take tiring walks around the zoo, take children to school and to children's matinees, help them prepare homework, go to parent-teacher meetings in the evenings when you are very tired.
You will spend most of the family budget on children; because of children, you will not be able to often go to the theater, cinema, lectures, visits and evenings. You, of course, would never change places with childless parents for anything in the world, but still you miss your former freedom. Of course, people become parents not because they want to be martyrs, but because they love children and see in them flesh of their flesh. They also love children because their parents also loved them when they were children. Caring for children and monitoring their development give many parents, despite hard work, the greatest satisfaction in life, especially if the child turns out to be a wonderful person. Children are our creations, the guarantee of our immortality. All other achievements in our lives cannot be compared with the happiness of seeing our children grow into worthy people. 5. You don't need too many sacrifices.
Some new parents believe that they must completely give up their freedom and all pleasures simply on principle rather than for practical reasons. Even sneaking out of the house when the opportunity presents itself to get some pleasure, they feel too guilty. These feelings, but to a lesser extent, are natural for all parents in the first weeks after the birth of a child: everything is so new and you can’t think about anything else. But too much self-sacrifice will not benefit either you or the child. If parents are completely occupied only with their child, constantly worrying only about him, they become uninteresting to others and even to each other. They complain that they are confined within four walls because of the child, although they themselves are to blame for this. They involuntarily feel some hostility towards their child, although he did not require so many sacrifices. As a result, such parents expect too much from their child in gratitude for their efforts. You need to try not to go to extremes. It is necessary to honestly fulfill your parental responsibilities, but also not to deprive yourself of such pleasures that will not harm your child. Then you will be able to love your child more and show your love to him with greater pleasure. 6. Parents have the right to expect gratitude from their children.
Since parents do have to give up a lot when they have children, they naturally have the right to expect gratitude from their children. But no verbal expressions of gratitude for being born and raised - that would be too little. Parents expect their children to be responsive, loving and eager to inherit their life principles and ideals. They want to see these qualities in their children not for selfish reasons, but because they dream that their children will grow up as equal and happy members of society.
It happens that parents cannot decisively stop their child’s bad behavior because they are compliant by nature or are afraid of losing his love. Deep down, such parents condemn the child and are angry with him, but do not know what to do right. The child understands that they are irritated and this worries him, scares him, makes him feel guilty, but at the same time makes him even more demanding and angry. For example, if a child enjoys staying up late in the evening, and his mother is afraid to deprive him of this pleasure, he may tyrannize his poor mother for several months by refusing to go to bed until late at night. The mother will definitely experience a feeling of hidden rage towards the child for his bullying. If the mother resolutely does not allow the child to do this, she herself will be amazed at how quickly he will turn from a tyrant into an obedient angel and become much more pleasant to those around him.
In other words, parents can't truly love their children if they can't get them to behave, and children themselves can't be happy if they don't behave. 7. Parents should get angry sometimes.
Some idealistic young parents think that if they want to be good parents, their patience and love for their innocent baby must be limitless. But this is simply impossible. If a child screams for hours despite your best efforts to calm him down, you cannot sympathize with him indefinitely. You begin to think of him as a stubborn, ungrateful creature, and you can't help but get really angry. Or the older child did something that (he knows very well!) he shouldn’t have done. Maybe he really wanted to break something or play with the children in another yard, or maybe he was angry with you for denying him something, or he was jealous of his younger brother because that more attention is being paid to him. And so he just does something to spite you. When a child breaks one of the basic rules you set, you are unlikely to be able to remain absolutely calm. All good parents must teach their children what is good and what is bad. You were also taught this as a child. The child broke a rule you set or broke something that belonged to you. Your child, whose character you are far from indifferent to, has done wrong, and you will be hopelessly indignant. The child naturally expects this and will not be offended if your anger is justified.
It happens that you do not immediately realize that you are losing patience. Suppose your child behaves badly in the morning: he says that he doesn’t like breakfast, then he allegedly accidentally knocks over a glass of milk, then plays with a thing that you forbid him to touch and breaks it, pesters his younger brother . You try to ignore his behavior, which costs you superhuman efforts. Then, when the drop overflows the cup, you explode and are shocked by your own rage. Perhaps a little later, having cooled down, you will understand that the child should have been firmly stopped or punished at the very beginning. He asked for it himself. You, with your good intentions to maintain patience at all costs, only incited him to more and more provocations.
We all sometimes get angry with our children when we have troubles and failures, as in one comedy, where the father comes home upset and begins to find fault with his wife, who in turn scolds his son for something that usually does not cause her displeasure, and the son takes it out on his younger sister. 8. It’s better to honestly admit that you are angry.
So far we have talked about the fact that parents inevitably lose patience from time to time. But it is important to discuss a related question: can parents admit this and vent their anger without any harm?
Parents who are not too strict with themselves are not embarrassed to admit that they are annoyed. I heard one very good mother, an open and honest person, half-jokingly say to her friend: “I just can’t stay under the same roof with this little devil for a minute! I would love to spank him properly!” She had no intention of carrying out her threats, but she was not ashamed to admit such thoughts to others and to herself. She felt better when she expressed her thoughts openly. Next time she will try to decisively stop the child when he begins to misbehave.
Parents who strive to be impeccable, apparently, do not allow the idea that human patience is limitless, and believe that they should not allow themselves to get angry. If they do get angry, they feel deeply guilty or desperately try to reassure themselves that they are not angry at all. You try to suppress your irritation, and this leads to the fact that it results in internal tension, fatigue or headache. It happens that a mother who cannot admit that at times she feels hostility towards her child begins to imagine that danger awaits him everywhere. She unnecessarily protects him from infections, from street traffic, constantly fussing over him, not realizing that this could interfere with his development of independence.
I discuss the problems that arise when parents are afraid to vent their frustrations not only to ease the parents' conscience. The fact is that everything that upsets parents also upsets their children. When parents believe that antagonistic feelings towards their children are too terrible to admit openly, children also hide their antagonism towards their parents. Children develop fear of imaginary dangers. They are afraid of insects or refuse to go to school, or are afraid to let their parents leave them. These fears are only an outward expression of antagonism towards parents, which children do not dare admit.
In other words, the child will be happier with those parents who are not afraid to give vent to their anger, because then it will be easier for the child to give vent to his feelings. If you are rightfully indignant and express everything you think, it will become easier for both you and the child and everything will return to its previous place. I don't mean to say that you will always be right in your antagonism towards the child. We often meet rude parents who, without hesitation, scold their child all day long and even beat him without any serious reason. I was talking about the feelings of too conscientious parents who love their child.
If your child is dear to you, but, nevertheless, he constantly causes irritation in you (whether you express it openly or not), then your nervous system is overstrained and you need to see a psychiatrist. In addition, your irritability may be caused by some external factor, and not by the behavior of the child himself. 9. Children like it when you monitor their behavior.
After talking at such length about irritability, you might have a wrong opinion about the relationship between parents and children. Most of us, while everything is relatively calm in life, get angry only occasionally when faced with difficulties. The rest of the time, children do not annoy us, since we control their behavior, promptly and decisively preventing their bad actions. Such firmness is a necessary component of parental love. With its help, you keep your child in line with correct behavior, and he loves you even more for it.
*Your doubts are natural*
10. Conflicting attitude towards pregnancy.
There is an established image of an ideal woman who is overwhelmed with joy at the news that she will become a mother. Her pregnancy is spent dreaming about her future child. When the child is born, she perceives motherhood with ease and joy. There is a certain amount of truth in such a picture - sometimes more, sometimes less. But in any case, this is only one side of the coin. Medical research has shown (and wise women have always known this) that pregnancy is also associated with hostile feelings, which are absolutely normal and natural, especially during the first pregnancy.
To a certain extent, the first pregnancy means the end of a carefree youth. A woman understands that after the birth of a child her entertainment will be very limited. She will no longer be able to leave and return home whenever she pleases. The previous budget will have to be planned for one more person. The attention of her husband, which belonged only to her, will belong to both. 11. Each new pregnancy is perceived differently.
The expected changes are not so depressing if this is your third or fourth pregnancy. But even the best mother, during any pregnancy, at times all her feelings rebel against her. It happens that there are some external reasons for this: perhaps the pregnancy occurred too soon after the previous one, or one of the parents is seriously ill, or there is no agreement between the spouses. However, this attitude towards pregnancy appears without any apparent reason.
One obstetrician I know told me that similar crises arose even during the second or third pregnancy, although the parents intended to have at least five children. A mother who really wants to have many children will still subconsciously worry whether she will be able to find the time, energy and endless reserves of love and patience to raise another child. A father may also be tormented by internal doubts about the advisability of having another child. Seeing how his wife pays more and more attention to the children, he feels unnecessary. In any case, the depression or irritability of one spouse is transmitted to the other. Don't think this reaction to pregnancy is inevitable. I just want to reassure you that even the best parents can feel hostility towards the unborn baby, and that in most cases such feelings are temporary. When it comes to practical child care, it turns out that everything is not as scary as you imagined. Perhaps this is because you have managed to strengthen your spirit in preparation for the impending difficulties. 12. Love for a child comes gradually.
Many women, happy and proud of their pregnancy, do not have any feelings for their future babies. But then the child begins to move in the mother’s womb and she realizes that he is truly a living being. At the end of pregnancy, the mother can more realistically imagine her future child and everything that is associated with caring for him.
Most mothers who admit that they were very upset when they learned about their pregnancy feel great relief when tenderness awakens in them for the unborn baby even before it is born.
But even when an inexperienced mother has already come to terms with pregnancy, she faces another test. When the child is finally born, she expects to immediately feel a surge of maternal tenderness towards him, to recognize in him the flesh of her flesh. But usually this does not happen on the first day, or even in the first week. This is a gradual process that will not be completed until the mother has spent some time at home alone with her child.
Some believe that it is unfair for your unborn child to wait for a boy or a girl, since your expectations may not be met. This shouldn't be taken too seriously. We inevitably imagine our future child as either a boy or a girl. Parents usually want to have a child of a certain gender, but if a child of the opposite gender is born, they still love it very much. Therefore, do not feel guilty towards a girl if you were really looking forward to a boy. 13. Why we love our children differently.
Should parents love all their children equally? This question greatly worries conscientious parents, as they feel that they love their children somewhat differently and, realizing this, reproach themselves. And I think that they demand the impossible from themselves. Good parents love their children equally. They want each of their children to achieve the greatest in life and will make any sacrifice for this. But since children are completely different, parents simply cannot treat them the same. The same advantages or disadvantages in different children will be perceived differently by parents. 14. Some reasons for dissatisfaction.
Usually, the reasons that cause parents to mistreat one of their children are different, and they need to be looked for deeper. Two possible reasons have already been mentioned: the parents did not want a new child or the parents' relationship deteriorated during pregnancy. There are other reasons: a child may completely fail to live up to the secret hopes of his parents, i.e. it may turn out to be a girl when they were expecting a boy, and vice versa, or it may turn out to be an ugly child when they hoped that he would be unusually beautiful, or he may be born a frail person, while the rest of the children are strong. The child may cry constantly from gas during the first few months, resolutely rejecting any attempts to calm him down. The father may be disappointed that his son did not turn out to be an athlete and a fighter, the mother may regret that he is a poor student. Of course, parents are well aware that the child cannot exactly meet their wishes. But due to their human nature, they may harbor unjustified hopes and will be disappointed if these hopes are not realized.
An older child may resemble one of our relatives who at one time did us a lot of harm. But parents themselves may not realize the real reason for their irritation towards one of their children.
A father may, for example, be concerned about his son's shyness, although in childhood
he himself had difficulty overcoming his shyness. It would be natural to assume that a person who has spent a lot of effort and time to overcome some shortcoming in his character will be sympathetic to the same shortcoming in his child. But usually the opposite happens. 15. Both censure and praise help raise a child.
We immediately react to the behavior of our children, as we strive to instill in them the positive qualities raised in us by our parents. We do this automatically, without thinking - the qualities raised in us from childhood are so deeply embedded in us. Otherwise, raising children would be ten times more difficult.
This implies the inevitability and naturalness of different attitudes of parents towards their children. Therefore, we condemn some of their qualities and are happy with others. This mixed attitude is the result of a feeling of deep responsibility for the fate of our children.
But if parents feel guilty for their intolerance towards one of the children, this will cause further complications in their relationship with the child. It will be much more difficult for a child to bear your feeling of guilt in front of him than just your irritation. 16. Depression.
It is possible that you will often despair in the first time after the birth of your child. This is a very typical mood, especially with your first child. You will often give up and just sit down and cry. Or you may be tormented by fears. One woman thinks that her child is seriously ill, another believes that her husband has stopped loving her, and a third is in despair, because it seems to her that she has turned ugly.
A few days after the birth of the child or a few weeks later, depression (a feeling of oppression, depression) may occur. Most often, depression appears when you return home from the maternity hospital, where you were provided with full care, and now all the care of the newborn and the household falls entirely on you. It's not even a matter of the amount of work - perhaps someone is helping you do it. The point is a huge and completely new responsibility for the child’s health, plus your previous household responsibilities. In addition, after childbirth, a woman's body undergoes various physical and psychological changes, which partly also cause feelings of depression.
Many mothers are not so desperate that their feelings can even be called depression. You may think there is no point in discussing unpleasant things that may never happen.
I talk about depression here because some mothers told me after a long time: “I am sure that I would never have had such an unbearably depressing mood if I had known that this was typical for many women at such times. I thought that everything My attitude towards life has changed irrevocably." It is much easier for you to endure any trial if you know that other people have been through it and that it is temporary.
If you start to feel depressed, try to find some relief in constantly caring for your baby, especially if he cries a lot in the first two months, or go to the movies or the hairdresser, or buy yourself a new dress. Go visit from time to time. Take your child with you if you have no one to leave him with. Or invite your good friends over. These are all tonics. Of course, if you are depressed, you will not have the desire to follow such recommendations, but if you force yourself, your mood will improve significantly. This is just as important for your child and husband as it is for you. If, however, depression does not go away after a few days or even worsens, you should urgently consult a psychiatrist.
Being in a depressed state, the mother thinks that her husband has lost interest in her. On the one hand, every person in a state of depression thinks that those around him are unfriendly to him. On the other hand, since the father is also a human being, he cannot help but feel out of place at home when his wife and the rest of the family are completely occupied with the newborn. It turns out to be a vicious circle. To get out of it, the mother must try to pay attention to her husband, although she already has a lot of work to do. She should also involve him in caring for the newborn as much as possible. 17. Other feelings.
In the first few weeks after giving birth, most women worry unnecessarily. They think that the child is crying too much, that he is seriously ill. They get upset over every spot on the child's body. If he sneezes, they think he has a cold. They tiptoe over to the baby's crib to check if he's breathing.
Perhaps the excessive care of mothers during this period is a trick of nature, which thus wants to force even the most inexperienced and carefree mothers to take their new responsibilities very seriously. These disturbances are especially useful for irresponsible natures. Conscientious parents need them the least, although they are the ones who worry the most. Fortunately, this period is passing.
Another sentiment of the mother deserves mention. While in a maternity hospital, a mother usually feels trust and gratitude towards the medical staff caring for her baby. But at some point she feels an irresistible need to start caring for her child herself and deep down she is unhappy that she is not allowed to do this. If someone at home helps the mother care for her newborn, she may experience these conflicting feelings again. Of course, the desire to care for her child herself is natural, but it does not appear immediately, because the mother is afraid that she will not be able to cope. The stronger this feeling of inferiority at first, the stronger will be the desire to prove her competence later, when the mother plucks up courage.
*Father's role*
18. The husband’s reaction to his wife’s pregnancy varies.
He has a desire to protect his wife, he is even more proud of her and of his own masculine maturity (all men, to one degree or another, worry whether they possess this quality). In addition, he is also happily expecting the birth of a child. However, deep down, the husband feels out of place, just as a little boy considers himself an outcast when he learns that a new child will soon appear in the family. Outwardly, this hidden feeling of uselessness manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in the desire to spend as much time as possible outside the home, in courting other women. Thus the wife finds herself deprived of her husband's support just when she needs it most; after all, she is entering a new, unfamiliar stage of her life.
The husband feels especially lonely and unnecessary when his wife is in the maternity hospital. He safely delivers his wife to where others will take care of her, but he himself is left completely alone and has nothing to do with himself after work. He can either sit in the waiting room of the maternity hospital, constantly inquiring about his wife’s condition, or go to his unbearably empty apartment. At such times, some men may simply get drunk. Workmates do not leave the future father unattended, but it mostly comes down to jokes and ridicule.
While in the maternity hospital and then when her husband brings her and the child home, the wife worries only about the child, and the husband’s role is reduced to that of a porter. I don't mean to say that the focus should be on the father, and he doesn't expect that. I'll just explain why the father feels unwanted. 19. What help can a father provide in the first weeks.
It is not surprising that at times the father will have mixed feelings towards his wife and child: both during the wife’s pregnancy, and while she is in the maternity hospital, and then when she returns home with the newborn. But the husband must remind himself that it is much more difficult for his wife than for him. She went through childbirth, which was tantamount to surgery, and her body experienced radical physiological changes. The child requires enormous nervous and physical stress from her. That is why at such times a woman especially needs the support and tenderness of her husband. To be able to give a lot of mental strength to the child, she must receive more than usual support from her husband. Part of this will be help with housework and child care, but even more important is moral support - endurance, understanding, tenderness, and the ability to appreciate the wife’s work. The wife will be very tired and sometimes will not be able to be tender to her husband and will not appreciate his attempts to help her. She may complain often, but if the husband understands how much his wife needs his love and support during this period, he will, no matter what, try to help her. 20. Father and his child.
Many men are sure that childcare is not a man's job. This is a misconception. You can be a gentle father and a real man at the same time.
It is known that spiritual closeness and friendly relations between father and children have a beneficial effect on the child’s character and on his entire subsequent life. Therefore, it is better if a man tries to become a real father from the very beginning, mastering this complex art together with his wife. In some cities, courses for parents are organized, where experienced doctors teach how to care for a child. If in the first two years the father leaves all the care of the child to his wife, she will forever remain in charge in all matters concerning the child. Later, it will be much more difficult for the father to begin to exercise his paternal rights and responsibilities.
It doesn’t matter how many times the father feeds the child or changes his diaper, but he must do it from time to time. For example, a father may feed the baby at night (from a pacifier) ​​in the first weeks, when the mother is still very weak, or wash diapers on Sunday. The father can regularly go with the child to the children's clinic. A father can help in many other ways. Of course, there are fathers who get goose bumps at the mere thought of having to care for a child. You won't achieve much if you force them. Such fathers are likely to love their children very much later, “when they are more like people.” In addition, many fathers are simply embarrassed to take part in child care and should be encouraged to do so.
* Relations with relatives *
21. Grandparents can be of great help to you.
In addition, they usually get great pleasure from their grandchildren. They often say sadly: “Why didn’t I get so much pleasure from my own children? Perhaps I took motherhood too seriously and saw it only as duties.”
In many countries, there is a custom to involve grandmothers in caring for a newborn and to fully trust their experience in all matters concerning the child. If a woman has such deep trust in her mother, she will always have both advice and consolation. However, many women avoid taking advice and help from their mothers. They believe that science is moving forward quickly, and the methods of twenty years ago are now outdated. In addition, many very young parents want to prove to the whole world and to themselves that they are able to cope with any life difficulties on their own. They are afraid that their parents will tell them what to do, as if they are still dependent on them. 22. Tension in relationships.
In some families there is absolute harmony in the relationship between parents and children, in a few others there is a sharply hostile relationship. And in most families, tension in relationships arises only occasionally and, as a rule, over child care. Older parents usually try not to interfere. But they love their grandchildren, they have a lot of experience and they cannot help but have their own opinions. They find it difficult to adapt to new child care methods. When you become grandmothers yourself, maybe you will be the same.
It seems to me that in the relationship between young parents and elders there should be as much open discussion as possible, which is always better than hidden discontent and vague hints. For example, a mother who is confident that she is caring for her child correctly might say, “I know you don’t agree with me. I will check with the doctor again to make sure I have understood his recommendations correctly.” This doesn't mean the mother is giving up. She reserves the right of final decision. She simply pays tribute to her grandmother's good intentions and concern.
This attitude will reassure the grandmother and in the future she will trust her mother more. The grandmother should adapt as much as possible to the mother’s methods of caring for the child. Then the mother, in turn, will be more willing to ask the grandmother for advice if necessary.
If you entrust a child to the care of a grandmother, whether for a few hours or for two weeks, you must agree in advance that she will not violate your basic rules of upbringing. For example, children will not be forced to eat, they will not be shamed for having wet pants, and they will not be frightened by policemen or firefighters. On the other hand, you cannot expect your grandmother to strictly follow all your parenting principles, as if your parents were your copy. If you cannot come to terms with the way your parents are raising their grandchildren, do not leave the children in their care. 23. About parents who are offended by advice.
It happens that a young mother (or father) was scolded and punished too much in childhood. They accordingly grew up to be internally insecure people, which outwardly is often expressed in intolerance to criticism and in the desire to constantly assert their independence. Such a mother can unconditionally accept new theories of raising a child and put them into practice with great enthusiasm, because she wants to raise her children in radically different ways than she was raised. In addition, the young mother wants to prove to her parents that their views are outdated and to annoy them a little. Who doesn't know how much fun theoretical debates can be if you want to annoy your opponent. The trouble is that the subject of the dispute is the upbringing of the child. If you constantly contradict your parents, ask yourself if you are doing this on purpose, perhaps without even realizing it. 24. If the mother is used to “commanding” her daughter.
It happens that such a mother cannot stop even when her daughter herself has already become a mother. It is difficult for a young mother to assert her independence. She does not want to follow her mother's advice and when she teaches her, she is unhappy, but does not dare to contradict. If she accepts the advice, she feels inferior; if she refuses to follow it, she feels guilty. How can such a young mother protect herself? It's difficult, but possible. First of all, she must constantly remind herself that she is now a mother herself and that only she can decide how best to care for the child. And if she has any doubts, she can always seek advice from a doctor. She certainly has the right to count on her husband’s support, especially if it is his mother who intervenes. If a husband believes that his mother is right in some matters, he should tell his wife so. But at the same time, he must make it clear to his mother that he is on his wife's side.
It is better for a young mother not to shy away from a discussion with her grandmothers and let them speak out to show that she knows how to stand up for herself. It is much more difficult to learn not to get irritated or explode in anger. You will say that the young mother's anger is justified. Without a doubt. But both pent-up irritation and outbursts are signs that the woman has been submissive for too long, afraid of doing something to anger her mother (or mother-in-law). She, in turn, senses these signs of weakness and uses them to establish her “dominance.” To avoid quarrels, you should immediately stop all objections in a confident tone, saying, for example: “But the doctor told me to feed him this way.” Or: “Let the room be cool, I want to harden the child.” Or: “I don’t want him to cry for a long time. I’ll go to him.” Usually a calm, decisive tone is the most effective means of asserting your independence. It must be remembered that, in the end, responsibility for the child lies with his parents, therefore, it is up to them to decide how to raise him.
* Guests *
25. Limit visits.
On the occasion of such an event as the birth of a child, many friends and relatives always come to congratulate the parents and see the new family member. Parents are pleased with this. But too many visits are tiring for the mother. Most women feel very tired in the first weeks after giving birth. They have gone through pain, complex physiological changes, and they are required to bear a lot of emotional stress, especially with their first child.
Some women get great pleasure from guests, in whose presence they are enlivened, relaxed and distracted. But usually only a few close friends provoke this reaction in them. With the rest of the guests we feel more or less tense, although we are glad to see them. After their visits we feel tired, especially if we are unwell. If a young mother is too tired, she will not have enough mental strength to endure all the difficulties of caring for a child. The mother should strictly limit visits to friends and relatives from the first day. Then she can increase the number of visits if it does not tire her. To avoid feeling inhospitable, you can refer to the doctor's orders. So tell everyone on the phone: “The doctor said that I can have no more than one visitor a day for fifteen minutes. Could you come on Tuesday around four o’clock?” You can justify your refusal for many reasons: difficult birth, weakness, etc.
If they come to you without a telephone call, you can, smiling politely, say: “The doctor told me to see no more than one visitor a day. But you still need to come in for a minute.” 26. Most visitors like to play with the baby.
They pick him up, throw him up, rock him on their knee, shake him, tickle him and constantly talk to him in his childish language. Some children can endure all this, while others cannot. The mother must stop the carried away guest, although parents are always pleased when their child gives pleasure to others. Most children quickly get tired of strangers.
*Help mother*
27. If someone can help you.
In the first few weeks after giving birth, be sure to take advantage of any help you can get. If you do everything yourself and exhaust yourself, then, in the end, you will still have to call on someone to help, but for a longer period of time.

The author of the book is a famous American pediatrician and public figure, a fighter for peace and disarmament. In his book, addressed to parents, Dr. Spock talks about how to raise a child from the day he is born, how to ensure that children grow up healthy, and what to do if a child gets sick.

OPINION OF A PEDIATRIC: Benjamin Spock's book was written more than half a century ago (1946). Much of the medical information presented in it is very fragmentary or naive for modern conditions. Therefore, every family should have at least two reference books, preferably the latest editions:

1. Mashkovsky M.D., “Medicines” in 2 parts (this reference book is constantly updated and supplemented - the 15th edition has already been published).

2. "Paramedic's Handbook" (for practical purposes it is much more complete and convenient than the "Practitioner's Handbook").

Child and care

Preface to the Russian edition (1970)

The fate of Dr. Benjamin Spock is unusual. The famous pediatrician, whose book "Baby and Child Care" has sold 20,000,000 copies in the United States and serves as a reference guide for American mothers, has decided to take responsibility for how the children raised with the help of his advice act as they reach adulthood .

Before his eyes is the Vietnamese adventure of the US ruling class.

Burnt cities and villages... destroyed crops... napalm-stricken children, women, old people... the cruelty of American soldiers... But the heroic people of Vietnam are not broken.

The whole world has seen with its own eyes that a people cannot be brought to its knees if it is fighting for its independence, for its freedom, for the happiness of its children.

Could a humanist, a children's doctor who devoted his entire life to protecting children's health, ignore the dirty war in Vietnam? And he becomes an active fighter for peace. He did not hesitate to declare that the war in Vietnam was hopeless from a military point of view, vicious from a moral point of view, and doomed to defeat from a political point of view. Isn't it scandalous that America spends crazy amounts of money on war and does nothing to end poverty at home?

Dr. Spock, along with other progressive figures in America, signs an appeal to the Americans, in which he declares his duty to provide moral support and material assistance to young Americans who refuse, under threat of imprisonment, to join the army. American lawyers publicly stated that Dr. Spock and his associates had the right to agitate against military service, since American citizens should not participate in an illegal and unjust war, and that they had the right to oppose their government waging such a war. Participation in it is a serious international crime.

Doctor Spock is about 70 years old. He travels all over the country, giving lectures in which he talks not only about how to care for children, but also about how to save their lives, protect them from death in war. He talks to those who raise children, uses his book, his advice.

Parents! Do everything so that Peace comes to Vietnam, says Dr. Spock.

And his call does not remain fruitless. Young progressive America understands where the Vietnamese adventure of the American monopolies is leading, and hundreds return their draft cards or publicly burn them.

The US government prosecuted Dr. Spock on charges of plotting to induce US youth to refuse to fight in Vietnam.

The American Humanist Association unanimously awarded Benjamin Spock the honorary title of Humanist of the Year for his tireless work against war.

This is Dr. Benjamin Spock, who, according to the recognition of the world community, personifies the honor and conscience of America and whose book we bring to the attention of the Soviet people.

Preface to the second edition (1971)

The first edition of B. Spock's book aroused great interest among Soviet readers. This is explained by the fact that the problems of raising children concern people of all countries, of all ages. There is no person who would remain indifferent to this responsible and difficult task.

B. Spock is an American children's doctor with extensive life experience. He knows well what difficulties await parents when raising children, what difficult questions arise in this case. He begins his book like this: “You will soon have a baby.” Dr. Spock sets the task of talking about how to raise a child, starting from the day he is born. All parents are interested in how to ensure that the child is healthy, what needs to be done for this, what measures to take if he is sick, how to determine that he is unhealthy.

The author pays great attention to seemingly small things: how to find out why a child is crying, how to calm him down, how to feed him. But it’s these little things that make up the complex of upbringing, so the advice is very valuable, especially for parents who have never dealt with children before.

Advice to parents to observe the formation of the child’s psyche is very important. The book touches on problems and gives recommendations to parents of “difficult” children.

Dr. Spock knows well that it is not enough to raise children, they must also be raised correctly, and their vulnerable psyche must not be crippled. That is why he is so actively opposed to the aggression of the American imperialists in Vietnam, quite correctly believing that such a war can bring nothing but grief and misfortune to the families of both the Vietnamese and the Americans.

V. V. Kovanov, Academician of the USSR Academy of Medical Sciences, Deputy Chairman of the Soviet Peace Committee, Professor

From the author

Dear Parents! Most of you have the opportunity to see a doctor if necessary. The doctor knows your child and only he can give you the best advice. Sometimes all it takes is a glance and one or two questions to understand what’s wrong with your child.

This book is not intended to teach you how to diagnose or treat yourself. The author wants to give you only a general idea of ​​the child and his needs. True, for those parents who, due to exceptional circumstances, find it difficult to get to a doctor, some sections provide advice on providing first aid. Advice from a book is better than no advice at all! But you can’t rely only on a book if you have the opportunity to get real medical help.

I also want to emphasize that you should not take everything written in this book too literally. There are no similar children, just as there are no similar parents. Diseases occur differently in children; Educational problems take different forms in different families. All I could do was describe only the most general cases. Remember that you know your child well, but I don’t know him at all.